Chandra: Why is it so hard to reduce clutter and get rid of things?

Dear Grandma Yaga,    I was cleaning my apartment yesterday and I cannot believe how much stuff I have--not just clothes and books, but lots of old magazines, old papers, old wrapping paper, shoes with broken buckles that I was supposed to get fixed, three or four purses with broken zippers or straps, boots that have a hole in the back, sheets for a twin bed that I got rid of...do you get the picture? 
    I am throwing things away, and giving things away, but it's taking forever! Every time I go into a new room to get started, I see all the stuff and I just freak out a little and sometimes I get a headache.  It takes me hours to go through stuff and decide what to get rid of and what to keep. And I still have tons of stuff left to go through.
    Why is this so difficult and can you offer me any tips to make it easier?
    Also, am I hoarder?  I don't think I am, because the hoarders I see on TV have stuff like old food and dirty clothes, torn-up items, and garbage, and I don't have that.  I have no bugs or mold or anything like that, and the house is basically clean. I do have some broken things that I have intended to get fixed, like the shoes and the purses, but definitely not food containers or garbage.  Still, I wonder if I need more help.... I do feel overwhelmed sometimes trying to organize everything.

Signed, Chandra

Grandma Yaga's response:

Chandra, my dearie,
    I am glad to hear that your home does not have bugs and is basically clean.  You are doing all right. At the same time, I am worried to hear that you feel overwhelmed and full of anxiety about managing your stuff.

    I don't know if you are a hoarder.  There are clinical conditions associated with hoarding, and if you are really concerned, you should consult a psychiatrist or psychologist.

    From what you wrote, it sounds like you have anxiety and feel overwhelmed while going through your stuff.  You could use some help.  Maybe you should hire one of those companies that helps people clean and organize their homes.

    In my experience, stuff can be very emotional.  There are many memories, hopes and dreams to process when we dispose of things in our house.  It's difficult to get rid of sentimental items that remind us of significant times in our lives.  That broken purse might remind us of happy college days dating a favorite boyfriend and being young, carefree and beautiful, and perhaps of the dreams we had at that time, since lost: dreams of marriage, travel, wealth, a large and happy family, etc.. Those shoes with the broken buckle might remind us that we wore them on a big night out in Manhattan during a whirlwind conference event, which turned out to be one of the best times when we felt truly successful in a career. That dress that doesn't quite fit might remind us of our hope of losing weight so we could wear it once again.

    Removing items from our lives can stir feelings of grief and mourning. It feels like a loss to give up the item that contains memories, hopes and dreams. So don't be too hard on yourself.  Of course it is very human and understandable to find it difficult to discard items that once were meaningful.

So, here are my tips for keeping things manageable:

--Downsize in small doses.  Pull out everything you want to discard, then go through the pile again and pick out the "maybes" and "just in case" items you have mixed feelings about discarding.  Rather than dwelling on the feelings, put those "maybe" items in a separate pile.  Give away, or throw away, the first pile, and put the second pile of "maybe" items into your basement or storage area.  In six months, revisit the "maybe" pile.  Chances are, you will be more ready to get rid of the items in six months' time.  If not, put them into storage again and revisit again.

--Downsize volume, while maximizing momentos.  Do you have problems with getting rid of sentimental things like baby clothes and blankets? Of course you do.  My tip is selective downsizing of these items.  Put all your sentimental items together and try to reduce the volume.  If you have 10 baby blankets, reduce it to one.  If you have 10 baby onesies you've kept in storage, keep just the prettiest one.  Same thing for baby dresses, baby photos, baby toys, baby books, etc. If you have  hundreds of pictures, cull the best ones into an album.  The theory is KEEP THE BEST, and let go of the rest.

--Minimize clutter, maximize texture.  I realized a while ago that one reason I liked have lots of stuff was because I am a creative type and I appreciate having access to multiple textures, colors, surfaces, images and substances to play with. My collections of images, greeting cards, wrapping paper, fabrics, fabric trimmings, etc. grew and grew.  Eventually I realized that I could still maximize the variety, while diminishing the volume.  I winnowed my collections to keep only the best items, and smaller amounts of the items, while maintaining as much variety as I could.  Maybe this would work for you, too?

--Realize that there are phases of life for collecting and acquiring things, and phases of life for downsizing and getting rid of things.  When Ariel of The Little Mermaid assembled her collection of  man-made items that had fallen into the ocean, it was to help stimulate her learning and interest in the people who lived "out of these waters" in a different world.  Each item helped her to imagine a different life for herself. Similarly, Quasimodo created his own collection of toy figures and sculptures to occupy his time in the Notre Dame tower.  Both of those characters were in the youthful phase of life, in which young people grow and learn about the world. On the other hand,  downsizing and reducing the volume of "stuff" in our lives may not seem to be nearly as poetic and full of promise.  It is something more often associated with middle age or late life, transition and loss.  But we also can look at the transition more positively as a stage into a new, possibly simpler, more creative and more focused life.  As mature adults we can be more choosy and selective; we are more self aware and more discerning.

Eva: Why Wasn't I Chosen?

Dear GrandmaYaga,    Since I was a young girl, I often have wondered if some girls are lucky and others are unlucky.  My Mom and Dad told me we all have unique talents and gifts and we all are equal in God's eyes, but it always seemed obvious that some people were more talented and gifted than others.
    I'm talking about girls who have prettier hair, pretty faces, better skin, they are smart and poised, with better clothes, the works, and a lot of them have been raised in really big homes and I have not.  I have noticed these differences since middle school and while I have changed and grown up a lot (I am 26) I still feel insecure about my looks and my appearance.  I am still shy and I feel quiet because, really, I don't have much to add to the conversation. I work in a learning center for kids and mostly interact with other women during the day and that is OK. The shyness really kicks in when I try to talk with guys.  They never seem to want to come talk with me.

    Recently I went with a girlfriend to a party and a guy started talking to both of us.  We both are kind of shy and neither of us is a beauty queen, so I was really feeling like this was the moment when I might change and be less shy.  But then he seemed to pay a lot more attention to my girlfriend.  He hasn't called her yet but I think he will.  I am not really mad about the situation, but I am sad to realize I was passed up once again and was not chosen.

    GrandmaYaga, am I doomed to be envious of other women forever?  Why was I not chosen?
Eva

GrandmaYaga's response:

Eva, my dearie,

You have a better chance of being chosen when you choose yourself.  By that, I mean, do you enjoy your own company?  Are you interesting to yourself? Do you have interests, hobbies and activities that you enjoy.  Once you have discovered those things that make you feel happy, creative and fully alive, the next step is sharing those feelings to find friends with similar interests.

    I know it is hard to see that others have been blessed with great looks, great skin, etc.  But your parents were right: we all have different gifts.  We all must develop our talents and use our gifts wisely.  Take some time to think about your gifts and what you like about yourself, and what others like about you.  Keep positive and focused on your personal growth, and your life will improve. If you are still finding it hard to make progress on your own you might want to try a few visits to a therapist to help you get over your shyness.  I foresee a more confident you!

Carla: The seasons are changing, but I'm not!
Dear GrandmaYaga,
I cannot believe another year has gone by and I'm STILL at least 25 pounds heavier than I want to be!!! I am so frustrated with my weight I could just scream. I have been on and off a diet for several years.  I made a real effort back in the spring, lost about 5 pounds, and now I see I have gained about 7 pounds back.
Honestly, I don't feel like I eat that much. I do snack on candy sometimes.   But it feels like being overweight is going to keep making me depressed and nothing will change!
Carla

Grandma Yaga responds:

Carla, my dearie,
You look pretty good in your photograph. (I have altered it so you are not recognizable) You have two choices. You are either going to have to make another effort to lose weight, and this time, try something different--weight clubs, weight plans, gym plan, personal trainer, etc.  Whatever you have tried before, leave it alone.  Try something different.

Your other choice is to accept your weight and start dressing to flatter your figure.  You can get advice on clothing from many places (maybe even Grandma Yaga? I should think about this). If you can afford it, perhaps utilize the services of a personal shopper at the department store.  If not, then I recommend going to a thrift store, bringing a fashion- and figure-conscious friend with you, trying on clothing, and looking at your silhouette very closely.  Choose the styles that make you look taller and slimmer.  I know it's easier said than done, but you didn't mention you had tried changing your style.  It's much easier to change a dress than to change your figure . 

In any case, remember, Oprah Winfrey has managed her life very, very well, weight or not. Pick up a copy of her magazine and learn from her zesty approach to living!

Help, I'm getting old!!

Dear Grandma Yaga,

 I found a few more grey hairs today. Help,
I’m getting old and it sucks. I will never be pretty or young again. What can I
do?

Grandma Yaga's reply:

Mark, my words, my dearie,

 Getting old is a fine topic. It’s so interesting to see what choices
 people are making. Yes, you are  right, one cannot be “young and beautiful” at an
 advanced age, by definition.
But one can be stylish, interesting, unique, compassionate, creative, caring and
warm. Also, original, insightful, daring, witty, imaginative, brave, wise and
iconic.  The list goes on. Isn't that quite enough?

Emily: "The Onion Blessing"

Dear Grandma Yaga,

 My wedding is four months away. We are
paying for most of the wedding ourselves, though my parents and in-laws both contributed. It will be a fairly casual wedding in a tent at an outdoor location
on a lake, very pretty but not too fancy. Anyway, my problem is that one of my aunts is very sensitive, complaining and prone to making scenes, even crying in  public, if things do not go her way. She is traveling to the wedding by plane, and  I have been told she is
planning to give us a wedding gift, some type of antique bowl or something. She wants to give it to us personally at the reception. I also have heard  that it is very important to her that we like and appreciate the generous gift.  I am worried! I am not that good at hiding my feelings (and I am not a huge  fan of antiques, though I feel very honored by the sentiment behind the gift).  Anyway, how do I handle this stressful situation on a stressful day?     
 
Grandma Yaga's response:    

Mark my words, my Dearie,
You have a loving aunt who wants to give
you a special gift. But she is a difficult person. This is what I call an onion  blessing.

Remember in Sleeping Beauty at the christening of Briar Rose when the fairy aunts bestowed wonderful gifts on the baby: beauty, intelligence, grace and more. The eighth fairy had been overlooked and was not invited. When she arrived she was furious and cast an evil curse on  Briar Rose. The lesson is that gifts and gift-giving rituals are powerful symbols and gift-givers must be given their due respect.

When your aunt arrives at the reception
with her gift, you and your husband should greet her warmly, and accept her  present with a loving spirit and caring heart. She should respond in kind. If she does not, know that you did all you could, and do not fret about it. If you like the gift,  display it and use it, and if you do not care for it, put it into storage. I would not advise re-gifting this particular onion.


 

Teresa: Cloudy view of climate change

Dear Grandma Yaga,
I have always been an anxious person, and
lately I have been feeling very anxious about the weather, global warming and  climate change. The heat waves, drought, tornadoes, floods, hurricanes….I just
cannot stop thinking about them. I have been sleeping poorly for several weeks  now, thinking about climate change and the fate of our planet every night so
that I cannot fall asleep. The idea that humans have ruined our own planet and caused our own destruction is haunting me. Before this, I used to obsess about
crime, but now it’s climate change. What should I do?

GrandmaYaga's response :


Mark my words, my Dearie,

You are not alone. Many people are anxious and fearful about the weather. And with good reason. Even Grandma Yaga stays  indoors when there is a blizzard.

Remember Ursula from “Little Mermaid?” She  wielded her sorcery to exert power over the ocean, causing it to rise and churn  and even to drown people. She commanded nature; nature was not the boss of  her.

Would you like to have the Ursula’s  powers to control nature and reverse climate change? Of course you would. But  that is not going to happen.

 Instead, try to be more like Grandma Yaga.  Find a forest to live in, or just visit a forest nearby. Look at trees and  plants every day. Take care of a few animals so they come to trust you. You will  start to feel more comfortable with nature and you can put your fears into context.

(Added 11/2013) It is not good to live with daily anxiety and fear that hampers your survival.  At the same time, it is wise to think of the future and care for our planet. So do what you can to contribute to the scientific understanding of climate change and making better choices for everyone.

Caroline:  Being around my stepdaughter makes me tired

Dear Grandma Yaga,

 My 18-year-old stepdaughter is driving me  nuts. I have tried really hard to  get along with her, I really have.   I married her father when Ariana was 12. 
 
Two years ago her mom decided to move out
of state for a better job. Ariana moved in with us full-time, visiting her  mother in the summer.

When Ariana is with me and her father, she
monopolizes his attention. She literally clings to his arm, or his hand, when we  walk down the street together. She insists on sitting next to him when we have  dinner. As time has gone on, she has become downright pushy at getting her way.
She hardly pays attention to me, and frankly, being around her makes me tired.
What can I do?

Grandma Yaga's answer:

Mark my words, my dearie, 
 
Remember Snow White and her stepmother? The
evil stepmother was envious of Snow White and attempted to destroy her. This is every stepdaughter's nightmare. Being called an "evil stepmother" is every stepmother's nightmare. This  story tells us that the emotions stirred by stepparenting are very powerful and must be taken very seriously.

A  stepdaughter clinging to her father and
monopolizing his attention is not about you. Your stepdaughter has not adjusted well,  though this is not entirely her fault. Even so, she is an adult now and must  begin to take responsibility for how her behavior affects others. Fathers in these situations are still parents first, and he must help her adjust. Your
position is complicated, balancing the needs of self, wife and stepmother. If  being around Ariana is making you tired, take some time away for yourself, and
treat yourself.  Do not let your  joy in life depend on Ariana’s  behavior.

Marcie: My stepmother judges me!

Dear Grandma Yaga,

I am a grown woman with a son in high  school and I should be over feeling judged by my stepmother, right? Am I
immature for my age? Is there something wrong with me? I still feel so  frustrated when I interact with her, and this has been going on for years, since my father remarried two years after my mother died when I was 12.
 
She has no kids of her own but she has always been  cold to me. I think I’m better but then I start feeling bad about it again. Last  week was a prime example. I was holding a Labor Day BBQ and my Dad and  stepmother had RSVPd to say they were coming. They showed up right on time, like they always do, and my stepmother asked if I was serving hamburgers and hot dogs. I had intended to get some ribs but being rushed I gave up that idea, and
I also made a nice salad, desserts, and corn on the cob. She seemed OK with the burger but I noticed she didn’t finish it; also, she asked for some special type of mustard that  I didn’t have. She didn’t say anything complimenting the food, but she did thank  me for “working hard on the BBQ as a single mom.” That sounded condescending to  me. Apparently she expected perfection—and I fell short once again. How can I  cope with this?


Grandma Yaga's response:

Mark my words, my Dearie,

 Your stepmother came to the BBQ with a cold, judgmental eye—at least that is what you observed and felt. This is
nothing new, but each time it causes fresh pain. You ask, why is that? A motherless child feels a special loss, even as the child grows up and has children of her own. Each rejection is a reminder of that loss.  Therapy can help you cope with the emotional pain of  your loss.

 And speaking of your stepmother, she  reminds me of Cinderella’s stepmother: cold, aloof, completely indifferent to  Cinderella as a blossoming young woman. What happened after Cinderella married  the prince and ruled over the land as princess? Did she seek revenge, or was she  warm and considerate to her stepmother, as always?  If the stepmother had written to Grandma Yaga, I would have told her to be kind to her stepdaughter, because you never know how  things will turn out in life. But since you wrote in, I will tell you, be kind to yourself and to others, for you are still blossoming as a single woman who is building her own beautiful castle, while your stepmother  continues to live her life at the outskirts of town.

 
 

Thomas: Was my mistake giving TMI?

I just moved to Boston for a job after  getting my business management degree. I am working in hotel management. There  is a woman in my apartment building I am interested in, and she seemed to like  me, too.
 
We have talked in the  hallways a few times, mostly funny stories and stuff, and she’s told me things  about herself, her dog and her family. I was going to ask her out this weekend,  but now I am wondering if I have ruined everything.

Yesterday was the last time  I saw her. I had just gotten a rejection letter from a management certificate  program I was interested in, so I was feeling down and seriously negative about  myself.  I told her about the rejection, and I explained I sometime get negative because I had been raised by an  alcoholic and abusive mother who was extremely critical of me. I told her I was glad to be on my own after getting therapy to deal with the abuse(which is true). But,  she seemed put off to hear that and ended the conversation shortly afterward.  How can I get this back on track?

Grandma Yaga's response:

Mark my words, my Dearie,

Until yesterday, the conversation was fun and lighthearted, and suddenly things shifted to a much more  serious tone. The young woman was  not anticipating such a change of mood, and she  scurried away from you.

There are two lessons here. Remember the  story of Pocahontas? Her father wanted her to marry Kocoum, who was a good  warrior and a good man. In Pocahontas’ eyes, Kocoum was too serious and bitter for her.  In a few years, perhaps, she would have come to appreciate Kocoum's qualities, or perhaps not. In any case, being more drawn to the settler John Smith,  Pocahontas scurried away from Kocoum.
 
While your comments were sincere, you shared too much of your bitterness too soon. The woman may reconsider, or she may not: it is out of your hands. I suggest you look elsewhere for now,  and continue to be friendly if you see her in the hallways. In the meantime, if she sees you dating  someone else, she may get interested in you again.

The second issue is about your personal  growth: how well have you healed? The rejection you experienced
recently may be stirring up the deeper feelings in you.  Do what you need to do, possibly more therapy, to continue on the  healing path. Meanwhile, Grandma Yaga raises her glass of tea to salute you and all abuse survivors.